For Alex

I hope this would have made him laugh

Mar 23, 2026

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I went to school with Alex Pretti, one of the people recently shot by ICE. On my personal Facebook page, I wrote a post in his memory, calling him a hero, because he was.

The right-wing men arrived, furious and feral, filling my inbox with cruel hatred.

Before we continue, I need you to understand that I mean truly cruel. If that will harm you, please stop here.

I picked this message from Brad and began to craft something for him, my own particular style of revenge.

I started by going through his public posts, looking for something to use. He had a lot of public comments praising ICE for shooting Alex. I want to show you a few of them.

Brad.

He was a failing freelance sportswriter unable to find work, and sad about that. Obsessed with the Brewers baseball team.

There was my angle. Offer Brad his dream job, discover his public comments on ICE, and take that dream job away.

If you remember my character Beau Archer, I decided it was time to bring him back. I found Brad’s number, on a shitty website dedicated to his freelance accomplishments, and sent Beau in with a job offer. Brad bit immediately.

The conversation goes on a bit, but I won’t have you read it all because it didn’t work. Brad got suspicious and ghosted. Perhaps he talked to Dan about this referral. Perhaps he rethought out what a voice-related medical emergency possibly was. As good as I am at getting inside men’s heads, it doesn’t always work.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Especially when it comes to bothering a bigot.

I searched his public posts and comments again. And then it appeared. He was looking for love.

I’ve always said my messages don’t come from dating apps, and until now, that’s been true. This time, I made an exception. How could I not. Please remember what it was Brad said.

The comment I found was exactly what you’d expect. He complained that women his age all came with baggage, by which he meant children. Shocking, at his very young age of 47.

He went on about how they weren’t Christian. Or they were cute, until he discovered they were liberals. Again, shocking.

I said to myself, you know, it’s really unfair that such a misogyny hobbyist can’t find love. Since he specified he was using Facebook Dating, I broke my rule. 18-year-old Brooke America signed up.

If you’re new here, typically I play a satirical conservative named Brooke America. Brad originally messaged my actual profile, but it was time to send Brooke America in.

Brad lives in my state, though not near me, so the odds weren’t ideal. That didn’t stop me. I became his perfect woman. No kids. A love of Jesus Christ. Young, fertile, and reliably opposed to the left.

It took some time, swipe after swipe, no, no, no, but I am nothing if not committed. And then, at last, there he was. If you’re not familiar with Facebook Dating, it lets you know when someone has liked you, so there was no chance he would miss it. And he didn’t. We matched.

The messaging interface on Facebook Dating is terrible for screenshots, so I moved us to regular Messenger right away.

He began to message me daily. So often, that I will only show you my favorite parts of the conversations.

I, of course, fell so deeply in love.

I let the days linger on, giving him time to imagine this perfect 18-year-old virgin being his own. To picture a life with her vagina and a butthole not full of diarrhea.

Time stretched between us, and we survived on the thought that one day we would be together.

Finally, it was time to break his heart.

I can’t bring back Alex. I can’t stop the right from wanting us dead. Not all of them. But I can make them face what they are.

I can remind them that no one will ever love them, not really. That is the pattern of their entire lives, to be endured until they are escaped. They are built to be abandoned. Fundamentally unlovable.

And in the middle of Brad’s pathetic, unraveling pain, the only revenge I have settled its score.

In memory of Alex. I hope this would have made him laugh.