Crymedian

This is the funniest newsletter on Substack

Jun 07, 2025

Hi I’m Brooke and I harass the right-wing men in my inbox with nonsense until they no longer wish to ‘date’ me. 😉 I do not know these men, and my messages don’t come from dating apps! They come from a satirical Facebook profile of me as a conservative. Read more about me in my introduction post.

A few days ago, I really riled up some men by telling them I liked it when men were able to cry. I happen to be very good at crying myself, not to brag. I’m very talented at doing so when I’m confused, scared, overwhelmed, and least of all, sad.

Men usually hate this about me, but this charming quality of mine does make for entertaining posts, as you are about to find out. This post is dedicated to tears. The sincere ones, and the ones I shed for satire.

That surprised me. Apparently crying doesn’t count as foreplay anymore.

How could crying not be what a man wanted on a date? I, of course, needed to ask more men.

1. Still Trying to Decide if I Should Cry or Not.

Guy A

I will take that one as a yes to crying on dates, but I needed further research.

Guy B

Let’s not rule out whether or not he blocked me momentarily because he was overwhelmed with happiness at finding someone like me. With that in mind, I think he was also a yes.

Guy C

Oh.

It sounds like overall men do love when women cry on dates… but maybe don’t, if you would like to keep your organs.

2. THE SCARY THING AT THE DENTIST OFFICE

It isn’t just men that make me cry. You see, there’s a terrible, most dreadful thing at the dentist office. A cold, mechanical trap designed to seize your arm and never let go. Thankfully, Thomas was here to help.

The machine held my arm. Thomas held my heart. Only one of them let go. 😔

3. Know How to Compliment a Lady

Some men just don’t know how to compliment women. Thankfully, I’m here and I can teach these men how to speak to us.

We’re starting in the middle of this conversation, right before I begin to cry. I recommend reading the rest of my story on farmers in the American Revolution too. For now, all you need to know is: I was giving this man a little educational whiplash about the Revolution, and looking very real while doing so.

Most certainly he will run into this exact scenario again in his life.

This man is also a bit of a poet. Earlier in the conversation, he serenaded me with a poem he wrote. It goes:

“This land is my land. This land is your land. This land was made for you and me.”

Our poet wasn’t done creating masterpieces.

Poetry makes me want to do one thing. You might be able to guess it by now.

And you don’t need to stay trapped in suspense, forever picturing that moment. Click here to read the rest of my story on farmers in the American Revolution.

4. A Scammer Who Cares ♥️

There’s something so tender, so romantic, about being scammed by a man like this. It didn’t make me stop crying, of course.

Oh Gary!

The necessary support and guidelines! 🥹

5. Crying Is My Love Language

Instagram has a feature for creator accounts where it can automatically reply messages as “you,” based on your posts.

Mine mostly tells people about history because of Make America Learn History Again, but I’ve made so many jokes about crying that even the Instagram bot has clued in on my talent, giving me the badass line about crying you’re about to read.

Most of this post isn’t about crying, but I’m giving you the whole thing anyway because it is truly hilarious.

This one begins with a man messaging me a picture of his penis, followed by a link to a porn video of hot babes doing it. I’ve censored those for you.

The rest of the conversation is with his very angry wife.

To be absolutely clear:

None of these messages are from me.

They are all from Instagram’s bot version of me.